Oh yeah this is why is started crying, when I got to this part of the message:
B: wat if rite now we broke up would u get depressed? this is a WAT IF
T: Hmmm…. Nope. :> wbu?
B: yea i would miss u and be depressed
T: Woah. Seriusly? u wudnt kill urself wud u? o.O
B: HELL NO, i love u and all but i wont go crazy cuz of it i would just be sad
T: Hahah okay :) just makin sure
B: but u really wouldnt be sad at all??
T: No i wud be. I wudnt be depressed
B: no dont be
T: Wait. Dont be wat?
B: sad
T: Why wudnt i be sad?
B: idk u mite be but im tellin u not to be
T: Okay…. But thats guna be until a long time soooo
I can’t believe we had a talk like this. Guess what?! I ended up getting MORE depressed and was sad for the longest time ever! Omigosh. I keep crying
Omigosh….I can’t read it anymore….im going start crying harder….. odeee
Last night we were texting right? This morning I was in the car and texted ‘Hey’ to the first person in my inbox. I thot it was Jahvon…but then it ended up being Brandon….. Then Brandon said hey back. I took a chance last night….and I didn’t think we should be talking, so I said it straight out the way I wanted to. I said “uhmm that was accident…” then he replies back and says “bye then” No more talking… I don’t deserve to talk to him.
I finally get home. I finally get to read all of the past messages. The conversations we would have. I can’t believe I was like that! A little bit after half-way through and I am CRYING… damn. I don’t want to read it, but I do…idk
Today is mine and Jahvon’s one month anniversary but I can’t even think about him. I really love Jahvon though.
We started talking because of a simple late “happy birthday” msg on facebook. wen i saw that first msg i wanted to cry. the person i was waiting on all day. he said it. but i dont even talk to him anymore! then we stared talking like wewere all kay! nothin is okay! why are we acting like this?! if it was this easy then why didnt i find out sooner?! wy. i cud of stayed frends with him. said good bye to him on the last day of school. why i am crying so much?! omigosh. i cannot believe this. pitiful. i am so fucked up
I havent wrote anything lately because I havent been in the mood. On thursday I just really wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone so I turned off my phone and then i got on facebook and stuff but didnt want to post anything. And then I got on here, and attepmted to write stuff but i couldnt get my thoughts together.
So on thursday during lunch we were bothering Richard about why Katie was mad and stuff. And then somehow the conversation got switched into talking about me and Brandon. Then Richard starting saying stuff that I really didnt want to hear about. So then I seriously just dropped my smile and stopped talking the rest of the lunch period. While everyone else was still in heated conversation. The one thing that hit me was when mine and Maria’s convo went like this:
Maria: Brandon said he tried talking to you before and you ignored him
Me: Uh when was that?
Maria: Like yesterday
Me: WTF! No he didnt! what the hell is he talking about?! He never tried to talk to me. Wth -i am hysterically laughing-
Maria: well that’s what he said
Me: well then he wasn’t trying hard enough
Fucking hilarious… also, I already know that I will be crying my ass off on the last day of school. And I will be breaking it off with Jahvon… even though I said that I dont want to break up because of the end of school, I am guna be hypercrite and swallow the words I said. I have this speech that I am trying to remember…and I know that I will be crying then too. We aren’t going to even make it to a month… but he is really important to me, and I know that we are not going to end up like how I did with Brandon. Jahvon is important to me, he makes me keep my sanity, and I don’t want to loose him.
I honestly am tired of smiling now. All I can ever do is hold back tears. I keep hearing things that I don’t want to know. All I can do in those situations is just sit there and listen. And laugh. Because I feel myself dying. I am still constantly crying. I don’t like this fake charade anymore. I think it is starting to wear off. I am tired of putting on the mask. Faking those smiles, forcing those laughs, and pretending that I like people. I am so tired of everything. But I keep telling myself, “one more week. Just one. You can push through.” I don’t think so. It seems so easy, but when I actually think about it, it is too hard.
WTF! MY COLOR PENCILS I JUST BOUGHT LAST WEEK ARE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. AND THEN I CAN’T FIND MY CAMERA. I HAVE BEEN WAITING 4MONTHS TO GET A MOTHER FUCKING CAMERA. AND THEN I DONT EVEN HAVE IT FOR LIKE A MONTH AND ITS FUCKING NO WHERE!
WTF IS WRONG WITH MY MOM?! SHES SUPPOSE TO BE WATCHING THE BABIES! SHE SAID THAT I SHOULD LOCK MY ROOM! WTF?! WTF IS SHE TALKING ABOUT. SHE NEEDS TO FUCKING WATCH THEM AND THEN THIS SHIT WONT HAPPEN! FUCK IT ALL.
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(c) JZAbigailGeriane
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